I’m definitely an Apple fanboy.

It’s partly why I started this business. I wanted to write about Apple’s products and make videos that gave me an excuse to use them as much as possible.

Because, let’s be honest, unless you have deep pockets or a job that demands it, investing significant sums into Apple gear is something of a luxury. It always has been.

Apple fans get a fairly bad rap because of this. They’re often viewed as easily led or possessing more disposable income than sense. That’s nonsense, obviously, but if there’s one fight that rages on more than any other within the comments sections of my YouTube videos, it’s the battle of Apple vs Everyone Else. And the former always seems to come off worse.

However, I’m British, which means I’m pretty adept at having a good old laugh at myself. So, with that in mind, and also keeping in mind that I am an Apple fanboy, I thought it would be fun to build a handy list of traits that define an Apple fan.

So, if you ever hear something or spot a pattern of behaviour which you think indicates the person you’re conversing with has bought one too many iPhones, feel free to use this guide as a reference.

A quick caveat before we get started

I’m like most of the people on this list. Although, regular readers will spot the Apple fan traits of which I don’t personally fall foul (I promise there are a couple).

Turn it into a Christmas drinking game if you like; every time you think “well, that’s Mark Ellis”, have a nip of Sherry (or whatever your favourite festive tipple is).

18 traits of Apple fans

Apple fans aren’t hard to spot, to be honest. If you’ve identified the need to refer to this list while sussing out someone’s Apple fandom level, you’re halfway there already.

It should also be noted that this list is non-exhaustive. It therefore shouldn’t be considered the definitive resource for Apple fan research; I recommend combining it with other works, research papers, and documentaries. This is for a number of reasons, but mainly because I got bored listing the potential traits and realised I was fast just describing myself.

So, without further ado, let’s get into it. These are the 18 traits of true Apple fans.

1. They defend the Magic Mouse charging method

For those who are unaware, in order to charge Apple’s last remaining classic mouse, you have to turn it upside down and plug in a Lightning cable.

This, obviously, renders it unusable while it’s charging and, ironically, makes it the least magical device Apple sells.

The Apple fan will say: “This is a non-event if you charge it regularly. Stop whining.”

2. They have no idea that you can’t turn AirPods Max off

Apple’s first entrant into the over-ear noise-cancelling headphone market (if you exclude Beats, which was originally knocked up by Dr Dre and Jimmy Iovine in one of their back bedrooms – I think) has been a fascinating product to cover over the last two years.

AirPods Max are beautifully designed and benefit from all of the lovely Apple ecosystem stuff, including the brilliant Spatial Audio feature.

But you can’t turn them off. Which is pull-your-eyes-out-and-throw-them-across-the-room annoying.

The Apple fan will say: “You don’t need to turn them off! You just put them in their lovely case, which sends them to sleep!”

3. They think the TouchBar is amazing

Remember the TouchBar?

Yeah, me too.

However, some people have far happier memories of Apple’s weird, irritating, and entirely pointless ‘evolution’ of the laptop keyboard.

The Apple fan will say: “I can’t believe they got rid of the TouchBar. Sorry? Oh, I used it for loads of stuff. No, it doesn’t matter what, I just don’t think they should have ditched it.”

4. It NEEDS to come in white

One of the most iconic advertising campaigns in recent memory inadvertently created the desire of every true Apple fan for all Apple products to be made available in white.

Those dancing silhouettes with the now iconic white cables dangling from their ears were a triumph for the iPod. And it’s why every Apple product must also come in white.

The Apple fan will say: “I don’t care about Pink Floyd Pink. Why doesn’t it come in white? This wouldn’t have happened under Jony Ive.”

5. Android? Pah!

Anyone who has spent any amount of time with an Android phone will know that most features hit that platform first. The iPhone is almost always late to the party when it comes to smartphone features.

The same could be said of many Apple products, but it’s in the phone arena where its products seem to be tainted the most with claims of, “erm, we’ve seen this before, lads”.

The Apple fan will say: “Yeah, but Android has never got it right. Apple waits and only does it when they’ve mastered it.”

6. USB-C is a non-event

Like the last soldier valiantly but hopelessly guarding the only remaining friendly outpost as the voluminous enemy marches closer, Apple is doing everything it can to retain its proprietary charging and data port for as long as possible.

The problem is that every other manufacturer has switched to USB-C and did so a long time ago. To compound the matter, Apple has now worked itself into the ludicrous position where its own TV remote has beaten the iPhone to the post in switching to the industry-standard port.

The Apple fan will say: “I’ve got loads of lightning cables. Why would I want another type of cable?”

7. They own an 11-inch iPad Pro

The iPad lineup is a mess, but it is most troublesome if you’ve got a relatively decent budget and want a ‘normal’ sized iPad with a decent feature set.

Which do you get – the iPad Air or the 11” iPad Pro? With only a relatively minor price difference between the two and a spookily identical form factor, you’d be forgiven for inadvertently buying the wrong iPad.

There should be just one iPad in that space. Call it what you like and price it fairly, but don’t gimp the features please, Tim.

The Apple fan will say: “The 11” iPad is the best iPad out there. The iPad Air is a waste of time.”

8. They’d pay more – if it came in black

Fancy a Magic Keyboard with Touch ID and a numeric keypad? No problem – that’ll be £179, please.

Oh, you want it in black? No problem! That’ll be £199, please. No, no – it’s exactly the same keyboard. It’s just black.

I kid you not. And this isn’t the only product for which Apple charges more if you buy it in black. The aforementioned Magic Mouse and the Magic Trackpad join this inexplicable trend.

The Apple fan will say: “But look how cool it is in black!”

9. They have a physical reaction to Windows machines

I think it’s a safe bet that most Mac users are like ex-smokers; although they probably cut their teeth on Windows, they actively despise its presence in modern society after making the switch.

I’ve seen it – they will literally grimace or wretch if a Windows laptop is placed near them.

The Apple fan will say: “Oh no, please get that away from me. I don’t want to see a blue screen ever again.”

10. They don’t see the notch

Rather than put its faith in under-display technology, Apple has decided to cut away sections of its device displays to house camera and sensor hardware.

This tactic has infiltrated every Apple product with a display bar the iPad and iMac, although one wonders how long those will escape the ever-present threat of the digital butcher’s knife.

The Apple fan will say: “If you spend more time looking at the notch than working, you’re not working hard enough.”

11. “Leave the Dynamic Island alone”

Apple loves naming its product features. Sometimes, they’re perfectly descriptive and, consequently, useful… and then we have the ‘Dynamic Island’.

No one, including everyone at Apple, knows how that name relates to the latest iteration of the notch, but we all know how silly it is. Unless you’re a true Apple fan, of course.

The Apple fan will say: “OMG I love the Dynamic Island. It’s so clever – Samsung would never think of this. Look at how the music animation bounces in time to the music!”

12. They loved Tim’s generosity

When Tim and Bono touched index fingers and magically dropped U2’s Songs of Innocence album directly into the library of 500 million iTunes users in 2014, it went down like a fart in a crowded lift.

That smile was quickly wiped from Tim’s face once he realised that the act had pissed off most of those 500 million users. Apart from a select few.

The Apple fan will say: “I can’t believe they gave us U2’s latest album for free! And it’s on all of my devices! Forever!”

13. They know what an iPod Hi-Fi is (and probably own one)

The HomePod wasn’t Apple’s first foray into home audio. And I’m not going to say any more, because if you know, you know. And you’ve definitely got one.

If you don’t know – well, you’re just not cool enough.

The Apple fan will say: “Wanna see my iPod Hi-Fi?”

14. They know what the Twentieth Anniversary Macintosh is (and probably don’t own one)

Released in 1997 on a limited run, the Twentieth Anniversary Macintosh marked the company’s 20th birthday.

Featuring a 250Mhz PowerPC chip and a 12.1” LCD display flanked by a custom-made Bose sound system, the Twentieth Anniversary Mac lasted just a year before it was scrapped by the returning Jobs as part of his product line clearout. Legend has it that the founder “hated” it.

The Apple fan will say: “It was far too ahead of its time.”

15. They’re obsessed with Apple stickers

Buy almost any Apple product and you’ll receive a couple of stickers featuring the company’s logo in the box.

No one sticks these anywhere, but true Apple fans are obsessed with them and get incredibly angry if Apple fails to deliver them in the correct colour.

The Apple fan will say: “Why didn’t they supply International Orange stickers with the Apple Watch Ultra?”

16. They loved the first Apple Watch

Remember the first Apple Watch? I do. It was a miniature wonder, but it was also an incredibly confusing product.

What did it want to be? A fitness device? A communicator? A tool for sending your heartbeat to people (that was never creepy, was it, Tim)?

The Apple fan will say: “I’ve had the Apple Watch since the start. People just didn’t understand the first version.”

17. They miss the butterfly keyboard

We can pontificate from now until the end of time about how Apple’s flawed butterfly keyboard came to be. We can make guesses about who signed it off, and who approved the relentless defence of it, despite numerous recalls and the worst press coverage imaginable.

Unfortunately, we’ll never know what truly happened (until the inevitable book arrives). But we do know how awful it was.

Well, some of us do.

The Apple fan will say: “I don’t know what the fuss was about – I loved typing on that thing. I’m keyboard agnostic.”

18. They own an Apple Watch Ultra

Literally no one needs an Apple Watch Ultra.

The Apple fan will say: “I love my Apple Watch Ultra. Sorry? Oh, I just run 5K every now and then but it is so good at tracking that run around the park.”

…and I love them all

There is something marvellously silly about being an Apple fan. We all know, deep down, that Tim and co. Make some biblically silly decisions at times and, regardless of how vehemently we defend them, their stuff is bloody expensive.

But who cares? If you’ve got the money to lavish on overpriced portable telephones and laptops that have part of the screen removed, it’s your money to do with as you please!

Apple makes the right people very happy indeed, and I’m happy to be a member of that exclusive club.